The first time I let those three words escape my lips I said them with tears instead of a smile. Why did I choose to love her? It's amazing how love can blind you so quickly, as soon as you admit to it you're trapped, ensnared. Say goodbye to logic and reality, you now live in a world of delusional dreams. I guess I thought those letters I wrote might change her mind or convince her but perhaps I was just manipulating her or trying to convince myself. She never loved me and no matter how deep my feelings and desires were you can't force another person.
Every time we got together we fell apart within hours. Each time I convinced her she lost faith within a day. When I wrote those letters I got further away from the truth than I was before. I guess you can only put up with so much shit even if you're in love with someone. I shouldn't have ever loved her, all it brought me was agony, and that isn't what love is.
I once wrote to her to tell her what love was, and I know what it is, it isn't her. Love is uncertain, that is true, you never know where it will take you but you should feel strongly enough to face it together. How could I ever retain my sanity and weather the storm when she jumped ship with every cloud? I wanted to run away so many times but she made me strong enough, or perhaps crazy enough to take on the whole world. I didn't care what people thought or what happened to me, all that mattered was her happiness.
Sometimes I wish I could be more selfish, I'm always the one sacrificing for others. I'm always the one pouring my heart and soul into everything just to have it trampled by others. And after it's dead and gone I'm the one whose apologetic when I should really be bitter and angry. Even now, all I want is for her to be happy and safe but that's two-thousand miles behind me now.
Someone told me the other day that it was stupid to leave because I was running away from my problems. At first it really hurt to hear that, I was beginning to think it was true but if I really think about it, I'm not running away, I'm chasing something more. I could of had the girl, I didn't want her. I got the promotion, I didn't want it. I found a school, I wasn't interested.
No, I'm not running, I'm chasing something more, something called happiness and, as far as I can tell, it wouldn't be found there. There is no girl, no friend, no job or amount of money that would make me want to stay. And while this is the end of a chapter I can't help but feel it is the beginning of an adventure. My life starts at its end. Even if I have to carry on with this weight on my shoulders forever I know I'll become a better man because of it.
And I'll find her, I'll find it, whatever the hell it is. One day I'll fall in love with someone who wants me as much as I want them. Someone I don't have to sacrifice or settle for, or someone who makes it worth it. Someone who wants to make me smile as much as I want to make them laugh. Someone who appreciates my body and mind and enjoys my sarcasm and personality rather than just puts up with it. That person is out there for all of us, I know it!