tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16855795515023296162024-03-08T12:18:29.517-08:00UnexploredIan Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-89644254993565376202015-01-15T19:35:00.000-08:002015-01-15T19:36:39.662-08:00Goodbye Blogger!Hello and goodbye blogger. Although I haven't found a following audience here I do have some friends and people I know <strike>stalk </strike> occasionally check in on me. If you'd like you can now find me on Wordpress at this address - https://immacfarland.wordpress.com/<br />
<br />
You'll be able to find all of the content I've posted here on Wordpress as well as my future and current work. Luckily I've just struck a little bit of creative gold, I think I'm back. For the first time in nearly six months I'm writing again and I'm hoping I won't slow down. 2015 should be a good year, lets start with a new look! Thank you for your consideration, hope I'll see you soon!<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Once again, the link: <a href="https://immacfarland.wordpress.com/">https://immacfarland.wordpress.com/</a></span>Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-51802063356140125982015-01-14T13:07:00.002-08:002015-01-14T13:07:22.636-08:00Love Scars<div style="text-align: center;">
The memories fade, the feelings are gone</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But amongst those mistakes I've made I see your eyes at night</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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And the way the tears welled up in them that night</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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And the way they didn't that day</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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I just wonder what I did to make it break</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just wonder when you decided you didn't love me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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And I guess above all I wonder when I'll be able to move on</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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And I guess more than anything I wish that you'd come back</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because you never shared my bed but I never felt warmer</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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Because I've shared a bed with many faces and I've never felt so cold</div>
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<br /></div>
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The only thing left is to hope you'll forgive me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The only thing left I see is misery</div>
Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-69780790188929959672014-12-01T19:31:00.002-08:002014-12-01T19:31:33.888-08:00We All Want to Die, Just be PatientEveryone in this godforsaken pit called Tucson is just waiting to die or to find inspiration to do it themselves. From my friends and family to my barber and colleagues. What the fuck are you waiting for? Do you think your life is going to get any better moping around or drinking yourself to sleep? How about you actually try to get the job you want or find the love you need or indulge in whatever will make you happy.<br />
<br />
Everyone is struggling, you think I don't want to die? Nearly every time I pass a bus or drive by a car going fast I think about turning my steering wheel and letting it end. But that's such a waste. I've got a book to write, a past to atone for, family and people who are counting on me. And you do too, you've got things all of us need you for. You have things all of us want you for.<br />
<br />
Don't give up, don't give in yet. Somewhere between now and the time you actually die is when you're going to feel the most alive. Sometime between love and after heartbreak you'll meet your future partner. Sometime between between hello and goodbye you'll have your most interesting conversation. It's all on the horizon. Want to join me chasing the sun?<br />
<br />
If you can't run I'll definitely walk with you. And if you can't do that... Maybe someone could help me carry you? I'm not giving up, I'm not giving up on anything or anyone. We're all worth it, we all deserve the very best and we can all find it. If we try to. Give into your desires and admit what you want, that's the first step. Then start running.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-45465321471529337482014-10-19T11:31:00.001-07:002014-10-19T11:31:57.063-07:00Alco-Satyriasis/Ego-Narcissism - A Tale of Self LoathingSo here we are, a month later. The world didn't collapse, that's amazing! I was so ready for gravity to reverse, for oxygen to dissipate, the ocean to evaporate. What happened? For all the claims I made it turns out they were nothing more than theories and perceptions.<br />
<br />
Everyone thinks they have me figured out, that they know what I'll do next. I guess you haven't realized yet, who I am. Self loathing, uninspired, melodramatic? Call me what you want but you'll never see me for who I am. I'm an amazing person, I guess you missed that. Do you even understand, the ambition and depth behind the wall I put up? Its more than you'll ever know, you'd never keep up. Honestly I don't even know if I can keep up.<br />
<br />
I'm on track to be an author in my early twenties. Half baked or otherwise it'll still be astounding. I've made dozens, maybe hundreds of friends and associates over the last year. And its not like you're that special, you're the second one to break my heart this year. I guess I fall fast. You should have held on when you had a chance because now I'm renewed and I'll find someone more deserving.<br />
<br />
I should have told you not to underestimate me. You have no idea. The pain I've survived through the last five years. Yeah, I do have a small side of me with depressive/suicidal tendencies. But I've kept it in check all this time through lost family members, friends, love, jobs, school and two different states... Suffering in general. I've never given in, I won't start for you, I've given you too much already.<br />
<br />
You were right, I am better off, But you aren't. I respect myself far too much to get back into contact with you anyways.<b> </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Aren't you being a bit selfish? How are we better off apart, I've grown too attached. I don't care what happens to me anymore I just need to talk to you.<br />
<br />
I overestimated myself this time. I thought I was strong enough alone but I've barely managed to keep myself alive these last few years. Everything is weighing me down, not just you. All the things I've done, all the people I've lost. I feel myself giving in, I'm on my knees.<br />
<br />
What did I think I was without you? I tell myself I'm a writer, I'm a joke. I can write a shit character and a slightly engaging environment. Don't even get me started on my god awful plots. I surround myself with unfaithful friends, beggars and rejects. I put myself to sleep cashing in on my shallow relationships and a bottle of wine. Waking up on couches with people I don't care about or care to start. I should have put stock into our relationship, I should have begged you to stay. If I'm lucky I'll spend a few nights in the next year in a bed with a stranger who's name I'll be fortunate enough not to remember.<br />
<br />
You understood, you supported the person I was meant to be. I was loving, responsible, ambitious and stable. I don't know how you knew me so well. How you dismantled all the barriers I placed so carefully to keep you out. The dreams I have are more than I could ever be, your success is more than I will ever feel.<br />
<br />
Its been a month now, everything is crumbling in my hands. It feels like Earth has stopped spinning. I find it hard to breathe. Which breath will be my last? Surely by tomorrow I'll be drunk or high off something with someone I'll never know. Or if I do it won't be outside of the sheets of her bed. All of the things I said I was, its laughable. Dreams and stories, that's what I'm good at. Making shit up.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-26230481674765871222014-09-04T22:41:00.001-07:002014-11-14T09:57:05.418-08:00Our Fake GoodbyeI picked you up from work today, "I was just thinking about Monday..." you told me.<br />
<br />
"Oh, Monday." I thought, "The worst day of my life in recent history!" I didn't realize today would mark the day where we trump that... Although I had a pretty good idea. Realizing quite some time ago you stopped looking at me like you cared at all, I accept my fate and drive thirty minutes out of my way to pick you up from work.<br />
<br />
You get into my car already on the phone with your sister. Talking about financial matters of course, the ruling factor of all of our lives. Not wanting to be rude I start driving, the day started off normal why couldn't it end normal? Hey, maybe, just maybe you were referring to the fact that we overcame our argument and grew because of it. Maybe you were citing my speech about how much I care(d) about you, maybe you wanted to thank me and give me a hug for being, I don't know, supportive and loving. Perhaps you were going to apologize for the way you made me feel and reconcile with me.<br />
<br />
Of course that little delusion was shattered so quickly I couldn't even pull out of the parking lot. Very quickly our conversation changes from "How was school?" to "It's cliche but it really is me!" I wasn't really interested in arguing or fighting it any longer. So I put on my alternative persona, the strong version of Ian. The one that can stand up to people and handle accusations. More importantly the one I've adopted every time someone I love walks out on me.<br />
<br />
I tried to get you to spare the excuses, the reasoning, was there any really? Love isn't cause and effect. X doesn't cause Y and Y doesn't necessarily even exist in reality. Anyways, my current Ian was very mature and composed. Even though I didn't want to hear it I let you finish. Not that I really had an option! I was stuck inside that box for about an hour trying not to punch my window out or hang myself using my belt and sun visor.<br />
<br />
Its unfortunate that it wasn't my fault. I really would have preferred it was. "Is she being honest with me?" I wondered. Because if you're truly being honest with me and I didn't have any say in it from the start what was the point? Why was I trying so hard and changing so much for something doomed to fail. Ian at that moment tried to play it cool, talk about the future and possibility of being friends. Honestly I think all of my personas believe(d) that were going to end up in each other's arms again before the end of the year.<br />
<br />
Whoever I was at that moment, I wasn't sure I could do it without you. You gave me so much confidence and support its unreal. More than my family I've lived with 20 years can provide, more than my parents have given me throughout that whole time. How can I go back to the life I had before? You know the trick where someone pulls the table cloth out from under a dinner table and everything remains intact? Its like that... Except everything fell and broke.<br />
<br />
You were the glue that held it all together. How can I return to my shitty part time job and feed my soul into people who will never see me as more than a name tag? Who's going to listen to and support me when I fail and my life is falling apart? Who's going to encourage me to enroll in classes and work on my writing? Who's going to give me ideas and tips on my stories?<br />
<br />
I asked you some of these questions and you told me I did just as much for you, that I helped you just as much. How can that be true? How can you tell me I mean as much to you but you're willing to leave me? I just feel that working past our problems is a much better method than running away from them and avoiding our own issues. However I don't raise these points any further.<br />
<br />
No, I had the chance to make the call Monday and I chose to fight for you. You chose to run today. There's no sense fighting a war no one is interested in winning, right? So we arrive at your house, my gas light on as usual. Somehow we managed to make a 30 minute drive take an hour, that can't be just traffic, right? It felt like time itself was fighting for us, giving us just that much longer to reconcile.<br />
<br />
I slowly open my mouth, "Anything left to say?" I say as I stare with a blank expression at my steering wheel. It seemed that we talked out our reasons, our feelings and our regrets in a mere hour, I guess that's all the last two months have been worth to you. Hey, I get it, I'm definitely not worth a coffee. Hell at this point I'd settle for tea, or water or even gasoline and a match.<br />
<br />
No that's all that's left to say. I couldn't even look at you. You say goodbye and I say one word, "Yup." That's what I muster. "Yup." No last kiss, I don't get out and hug you, I don't even look at you when I say it. I've always been horrible at saying what I feel. I've also been horrible at being assertive so when you combine the two I become a simple, one word person.<br />
<br />
Being a creative writer I feel that my ability to express and speak should be greater. But they aren't and I'm not perfect. I have and probably always will have social anxiety. But this is my chance to speak my mind, even if it is writing and not speaking.<br />
<br />
I've been waiting all day for the panic to start, for my life to start falling apart. And not a damn thing has happened. I guess that's an optional practice of a break up, or as I like to put it, "growing apart." You never held my hand at work, I forced my way in there and fought for myself every day. You never helped me study for my entrance exams, I did that myself. You never wrote my stories or edited them, you only gave me suggestions.<br />
<br />
I can do this on my own. I can, I truly believe that or I can find someone else to do it with me. Don't misunderstand, this isn't a "Fuck you, I'm better off!" post. I just want you to know, I'll be alright. And maybe the panic will come, maybe I'll break down a few days later or even in a few hours but thinking clearly I feel pretty good.<br />
<br />
Let me explain to you what I will be upset about. I love(d) you Claire. I love(d) waking up and talking to you first thing in the morning. I love(d) when you wrote to me or gave me mementos. I love(d) how hard and loud you laughed at my shitty jokes or just in general. I love(d) how passionate and creative and beautiful you are/were.<br />
<br />
I'm upset that the night we danced on the rooftop is always going to be just a memory and never something we can revisit. I'm upset that I won't be able to go to open mic night or my favorite cafe without thinking about you. I'm upset when I write my story because I think about how you were and still are the only one in existence (except one schmuck in New York) who read it. I'm upset that I won't get to see you be happy again, that I'll never see love in your eyes again. I'm just upset thinking the last time I may ever see you my last word, not even words, was "Yup."<br />
<br />
But as much as it sucks, I'm still glad I met you. Do you remember? It was raining just like this the day we met. The day we kissed. The day I fell in love with you. I saw this moment coming weeks ago but I couldn't let go. I'll tell you this much. In my experience it has always been easier holding on than letting go. Even if its better for everyone to let it go.<br />
<br />
I hope you'll be happy. I hope you achieve your dreams. I hope you get your place and stay safe. Who knows, maybe one day we will run into each other again. Maybe then you'll be ready. Maybe if it is meant to be, it will be. If not I just hope we both find happiness, love and a place in this world. I love you Claire, but I want to let go.<br />
<br />
Even though I want to, I feel like I never will. Now I stare at my phone waiting for a text or a call. I think about ways I could run down to your house and win you back. I thought about finishing my next chapter so I could send you a progress report. I know if you called me now I would answer, I know if you text me I would drop whatever I'm doing. I know if I saw you I would run up to hug you. I miss you already, six hours later. I hope you see this someday. I hope I hear from you again, I hope I hear from you soon.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-35471039706055317342014-06-03T19:18:00.001-07:002014-06-03T19:18:19.095-07:00Illusions of SuperiorityWhat would you say makes a person superior? Is it a job title, a salary, perhaps intelligence or physical strength? What exactly gives one power, in fact does power even exist? The more you think about it the more you'll come to realize it is something people have accepted as true without questioning at all.<br />
<br />
Maybe you can make an argument that power does exist, that there are people superior to you. You go to work everyday and there is always someone above you. They can tell you what to do, how to think and treat you how they want. If they wanted to they can fire you for insubordination, they can scream at you, demote you, etc.<br />
<br />
But what power have they taken from you? They might tell you what to do but you are the one who chooses to follow, you are the one who decides if it is acceptable to you. No one can take power away from you, they can't force you to do anything, you still hold the power. They can fire you, they can scream all they want, sure, but they cannot control you. What they hold over you is not power, it is not superiority. It's fear.<br />
<br />
Nothing is stopping you from standing up and walking out that door and no one can. A position within a company doesn't stop people from talking back and it sure as hell won't protect you when someone swings at you. If you choose to keep a job you hate, if you have to let someone yell at you, I understand. We all make sacrifices for ourselves, for others but just remember that you're in control everyday of your life. Today, tomorrow, forever until the time your body stops and your mind is extinguished.<br />
<br />
Power, superiority and even authority are all illusions the world pretends are true. You are not lesser, you are not weaker than anyone, it's just a matter of willpower and resolve. If you're going to fight the world, if you are going to destroy the lies you have to be prepared for the consequences. Whether something is real or not if enough people believe in it they can influence the rest of the world.<br />
<br />
You can choose to fight, you can stand up for yourself. Just be prepared those who follow the illusions, who accept them to be true have built monuments in it's name. Prisons, death sentences, torture are all still very real. The question is, will you bow down to the illusion of superiority or will you risk your life for a better chance at freedom?<br />
<br />
If enough people believe in something they can influence the world and they can change it. If enough people are willing to fight for what the believe, they will.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-12187533586399661212014-05-03T12:50:00.000-07:002014-11-14T10:00:17.879-08:00Reminiscence<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Are you ever just sure you want to be
alive? I know I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself; I
just don't know if I want to live. Maybe I don't know how to. I mean,
I have a lot to live for, I have a lot I want to do and I have a ton
of people I care about. I feel anger at times, I feel sad some days,
I feel happy and euphoric others. Yet, I can't shake this feeling,
even though I want to.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Apathy must truly be the strongest
feeling I'm capable of feeling. When I'm angry I can feel sad
simultaneously or when I'm happy I can easily feel love for someone.
Pain can blend with any of those emotions, oddly enough. But somehow
apathy can devoid my heart and mind of anything else. It devours my
personality, my mood, my emotions and it spits out a shell.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Even typing words into my computer
today brings me no pleasure. I wouldn't call it writers block, I have
the ability to write, I know what I want to put down. I just can't do
more than a few sentences or paragraphs before losing interest or
jumping into bed to recuperate.<br />
<br />
Some people would probably be
glad to feel nothing, they would be happy to get a break. But I can
remember several extremely sad and depressing times in my life that
were more fascinating and invigorating than this. I remember driving
myself home after breaking up with my first girlfriend. I remember
crying in the car for about 10 miles and I can think of that as a
happy memory compared to today.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Maybe something needs to break, maybe I
need to change myself again. In New York I had about 3-7 different
personalities that I could use depending on my environment, the person I was
talking to and the mood of the day. Today I feel that I've become one
person, one sulking, depressing, complaining son of a bitch.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
How I miss the failures, the dramas and
stress of my old life. I've grown so much through those failures,
I've developed so much through all the stress and anxiety. People
look back at failures and regrets like they're a negative, are you
kidding? They need to be celebrated and praised. Failures don't
define you, maybe that's true, but they sure as hell change and mold
you.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Think about it, whatever your failure
is, it changes you in some way. If you drink too much and get a
hangover you learn to control yourself. If you get into a bad
relationship and decide you never want that again, it changes your
preferences. If you spend too much money next time you'll change your
habits. You could say this is only changing your methods but like it
or not it is changing the way you think and act, it is creating you.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Perhaps, the label is the mistake.
Maybe we shouldn't call it a failure, it isn't really a regret if
you've learned from it. Although I feel I would take back some things
if I could help it, perhaps it is better that I can't. Whoever I need
to be tomorrow is something I've built since the day I was born.
Through failure, success, death and life. I have grown, that's
something I don't ever want to stop. If that means falling on my face
every couple of steps, so be it.</div>
Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-90093923445824083612014-05-02T22:01:00.000-07:002014-09-06T21:43:56.271-07:00The First Flight<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
My name is Anna, age 21, a <i>veteran
</i>Phoenix. I've spent three years in battle, three years narrowly
avoiding death and fighting for what is right. Three years is
considered a long time to most of my colleagues, most recruits die
within the first six months, many of them in their first conflict. My
father lasted four years, my brother just less than five. I coughed
up a bit of a chuckle, I guess we're stubborn.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I still remember my father's strong
back, his rugged face and full mustache. He always had cigarettes
with him, even if he went weeks without smoking. To this day the
smell still calms me down and makes me feel at home. Guess that's how
I picked up the habit. People say it makes your body slow down, makes
you weaker but I had bigger concerns. Smoke wasn't going to kill me,
if my lungs we going to collapse it would be a bullet or dagger that
did the trick.<br />
<br />
Most of my childhood I spent with my brothers,
Evan and Adam. Evan was quiet and respectful. If mom or dad asked
something of him, he did it. No questions asked. I always admired his
resolve and stoic personality. He was 16 when our father left. He
spoke through action, spending most of his time making sure we would
be alright and that Adam knew how to pick up where he would leave
off. The day he turned 18 he left to join the Phoenix revolution.
Mother begged him not to, Adam took her side but I was so proud of
him for fighting for what he thought was right.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Adam was 14 when father left. He
handled it a lot worse than any of us, save my mother. I would come
into his room every once in awhile to see what he was up. More often
than not I would find him in a ball, crying or sleeping, sometimes
both. It was around the time my mother fell ill with tuberculous that
Adam became the man of the house. He was no fighter, he didn't care
about the cause, all he cared about was his family. I could
understand his feelings but I couldn't help but feel a bit disgusted
with him at times. I thought he was a coward.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I was three years younger than Adam, 11
when my father left. I was the youngest child and the only daughter.
Around the time I turned 17 my mother passed away. It affected me
less than I would have liked, there were times I would have liked to
cry or mourn her but it never felt that way. Instead I felt an
overwhelming rage building inside me. My mother could have been
saved, she should have been cured but at the end of the day people
are more interested in money than lives. In this country you either
die in battle or die of exposure. I was going down kicking and
screaming.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
As a child, teenager, even now as a
young adult I never asked for much. Whatever I wanted I fought for, I
got it myself. If I needed clothes I would make them or pick up a job
to buy them. If I was hungry I went hunting. If I was sick I would
ignore it and carry on as if everything was normal. Money was scarce
in my town, everyone was fighting just to survive.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Survival is something any creature can
do, I wanted to see my people thrive. The day I turned 18 I decided
to follow in Evan's footsteps and join the cause. I pleaded with Adam
to come with me but he had become something I couldn't even
recognize. He spent his days working, drinking, depressed and trapped
in the past. As far as I could tell he was already dead, a ghost. No
ambition, no reason to be alive, just haunting the house with nothing
left but regrets.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I knew the road ahead of me was going
to be hard but I wasn't scared, I was excited. We can't continue
like this any longer, the people know it, the government knows it and
those pulling the strings couldn't care less. I will purge the evil
from these lands. I will call this land my country once again. I am
not the voice of the people, I am not the hand of justice: I am the
blade of the forgotten.</div>
Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-56859675697529269262014-04-02T08:48:00.000-07:002014-04-02T08:48:28.689-07:00Two Months<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I don't have to
run away to move on,</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Two months I've
been gone.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I don't feel
remorse or depressed</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because all of my feelings have been expressed.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I don't have to
care or be involved,</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
All my problems
have been resolved.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I don't need
you to forgive me,</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Can't you see?</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You don't need
my love to love yourself</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I don't
need another reason to hate myself.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You won't find
the truth buried in lies</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I won't
listen to your cries.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You started all
of this</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And somehow
convinced yourself it was bliss.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You can't find
light in a nightmare</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But I would
have helped you get there.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You never even
gave me a chance</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I think I
knew at first glace</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That two months
later, I'd be gone.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But somehow I
loved you all along.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I guess it's
something I can't ignore</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But all that
ended when I found the door.</div>
<div align="CENTER" lang="zxx" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-63666855766818124482014-03-18T19:05:00.001-07:002014-09-06T21:48:31.761-07:00Pseudo-Love<div style="text-align: right;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
The first time I let those three words escape my lips I said them with tears instead of a smile. Why did I choose to love her? It's amazing how love can blind you so quickly, as soon as you admit to it you're trapped, ensnared. Say goodbye to logic and reality, you now live in a world of delusional dreams. I guess I thought those letters I wrote might change her mind or convince her but perhaps I was just manipulating her or trying to convince myself. She never loved me and no matter how deep my feelings and desires were you can't force another person.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Every time we got together we fell apart within hours. Each time I convinced her she lost faith within a day. When I wrote those letters I got further away from the truth than I was before. I guess you can only put up with so much shit even if you're in love with someone. I shouldn't have ever loved her, all it brought me was agony, and that isn't what love is.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I once wrote to her to tell her what love was, and I know what it is, it isn't her. Love is uncertain, that is true, you never know where it will take you but you should feel strongly enough to face it together. How could I ever retain my sanity and weather the storm when she jumped ship with every cloud? I wanted to run away so many times but she made me strong enough, or perhaps crazy enough to take on the whole world. I didn't care what people thought or what happened to me, all that mattered was her happiness.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Sometimes I wish I could be more selfish, I'm always the one sacrificing for others. I'm always the one pouring my heart and soul into everything just to have it trampled by others. And after it's dead and gone I'm the one whose apologetic when I should really be bitter and angry. Even now, all I want is for her to be happy and safe but that's two-thousand miles behind me now.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Someone told me the other day that it was stupid to leave because I was running away from my problems. At first it really hurt to hear that, I was beginning to think it was true but if I really think about it, I'm not running away, I'm chasing something more. I could of had the girl, I didn't want her. I got the promotion, I didn't want it. I found a school, I wasn't interested. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
No, I'm not running, I'm chasing something more, something called happiness and, as far as I can tell, it wouldn't be found there. There is no girl, no friend, no job or amount of money that would make me want to stay. And while this is the end of a chapter I can't help but feel it is the beginning of an adventure. My life starts at its end. Even if I have to carry on with this weight on my shoulders forever I know I'll become a better man because of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And I'll find her, I'll find it, whatever the hell it is. One day I'll fall in love with someone who wants me as much as I want them. Someone I don't have to sacrifice or settle for, or someone who makes it worth it. Someone who wants to make me smile as much as I want to make them laugh. Someone who appreciates my body and mind and enjoys my sarcasm and personality rather than just puts up with it. That person is out there for all of us, I know it!</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-41886228177651018402014-03-18T18:58:00.000-07:002014-09-06T21:52:14.455-07:00Phantom PainsI really wonder if I was supposed to die that day, maybe I did. Things have changed so much since that one foolish night and I can't help but wonder, if I died what is this? I don't believe in heaven or hell but I've been entertaining the idea, trying to figure out which I might be in. In some ways I'm very happy, I feel like I'm accepted but in another way I'm so unsure, insecure and worried about everything around me.<br />
<br />
I look back in awe at how fast you can lose everything you hold dear to you. How fast you can disappear from a place and from the hearts and minds of those who occupy it. Was I loved until the end? Do they still think about me? I've been driven to tears just thinking of their faces, realizing I'll probably never seem them again, but what do they <i>really </i>feel? People say they won't forget you but a week later I haven't heard from anyone.<br />
<br />
I feel like a ghost, only haunting myself. Why is it that you can be experiencing so many new things in a whole different world and still be completely invested somewhere else? My jobs might be transferable, my body and assets can relocate but all I'm left with is phantom pains and a shell of what I used to be. What do I need, what will put my soul to rest?<br />
<br />
Looking back on the life I had I can't help but feel remorse that I ended it. My whole life was there, I had great friends, two jobs that I really liked going to, and I could have had the girl of my dreams, even if I've realized they were nightmares. I personally destroyed every relationship that I spent the last six months building. All the time I spent texting, talking, comforting, encouraging. All the hours I spent at those jobs building my reputation, the devotion and planning... I can never go back now. I can never fix it and I think for the first time in my life I feel I'm going to leave behind regrets.<br />
<br />
Maybe it would have been better if I had died that night in the hospital bed. I guess I'm a coward, I would rather have people miss me than to miss them myself. I wonder though, would it have caused more pain or less if I hadn't woken up? Those friends would have forgotten me either way, a week later they would probably never think of me again. But me... I can never forget their faces, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go.<br />
<br />
The mementos and memories left behind don't help but I'm far too sentimental to let go of them. When my friend gave me her lighter, which she probably only gave to me because it was the only thing she had on her, I wanted to keep it forever. I think I only smoke that pack of empty dreams just to remember her. I disappeared just like the smoke, gone in seconds and forgotten even faster.<br />
<br />
As I move into my new life and jobs I know that pain will draw me back but I'll recover. The bullet has to be removed before the wound can truly heal. If I kept going on the infection may have spread, perhaps amputation was the right choice. Yet I still feel those phantom pains in my heart and the only thing I can think of to ease the pain is the same poison that landed me here.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-1354105191016492722014-03-18T11:58:00.000-07:002014-09-06T21:54:06.837-07:00The Destruction of Disorder...People are apathetic and can't stand to see someone excited and happy. It seems like every time I grasp onto a little bit of happiness someone or something wants to kick the inspiration right out of me. Am I wrong to be happy, to be interested in everything? Why don't they find beauty in everything? Why have they stopped indulging their curiosity?<br />
<br />
It seems like people find it better, or perhaps easier, to feel nothing rather than to feel happiness of some kind. It comes in all different shapes and sizes, colors and textures. You can find it in that shitty retail job you work, you can find it in the blistering cold or while moping the floor. All it takes is a little personality and a sense of humor.<br />
<br />
If you don't like who you are, change it. Use your imagination, make up a new persona or personality. It isn't a disorder to have a few different sides of you, it actually can make you quite sane. We are all constantly pushed and changed, broken down and then reconstructed. If you're the same person you were yesterday you haven't really learned anything at all.<br />
<br />
I don't know how often I hear people talking like they've already lost. "The government can do whatever it wants, you'll never make a difference in what you do. Cruelty, hatred, murder cannot be stopped." Apathy is the cause of all of this. No one cares enough to vote, to protest or make a change. No one is willing to take up arms and uproot the corruption from within. No one will speak their mind for fear of retaliation. For there are no smart phones in prison, no Facebook or posh blogs.<br />
<br />
Defeatism. That is the attitude adapted by the people. Defeatism and apathy. These two are a destructive combination and could very well lead to the downfall of civilization.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-80672064378754297762013-07-13T15:41:00.002-07:002014-09-06T21:59:25.119-07:00ChainsI've been counting the hours, as if waiting for my own execution. Hours, days, weeks... biding my time, dreading my fate but awaiting sweet relief. I was never read my rights, I guess I put those behind me awhile ago. A priest never came to my chamber, I wouldn't ask for forgiveness, why should I? My friends? You think they would remember me now? My family offered me their sorrow, their feelings, their blessings but nothing stuck to the empty husk my mind once settled into. My consciousness has long faded, it was beaten, tortured and destroyed by the fear and anxiety of my life.<br />
<br />
Those people I call family had chained my mind long before my body. I resisted at first, their attempts to persuade me were shrugged off as disgusting and ridiculous. I fought them tooth and nail, even as a child. I would have spat in my face for becoming what I am now. In grade school I never gave resistance a second though, I would fight any enemy big or small. And the big battles? Ha, those are the ones that really meant something, really made you feel alive.<br />
<br />
Alas, the odds were against me, I was fighting a sea of monsters with nothing more than a strong spirit. Even the strongest of spirits, the hottest of fires can eventually be put out by this horrid sea, by the rain of ignorance and the cold touch of death. It wouldn't be a swift death, either, it would be like a plague, slowly creeping to your heart, destroying your mind and body before finally delivering the fatal blow.<br />
<br />
So, I gave in, I let go, I admitted defeat. And as that first chain clasped onto my body, I felt it was a serpent, I still fought even realizing my struggle was futile. But as the second one went across my back, and the third around my neck I started to find comfort in them. I almost praised them, wished for them. These chains, they kept me alive, they stropped me from self-destruction! I never thought, I never even begun to think I would find such pleasure and comfort within them.<br />
<br />
For ten years, I sat in the dark cold cell and I waited. I welcomed more chains, if not for the chains themselves I would have done so with open arms. But that is a bad thought, the chains saved you! How dare you ask for anything more! What do you expect to gain from thinking like that? Tomorrow was the day, if I remembered what enjoyment felt like, I would have told myself to enjoy the time I have left.<br />
<br />
The morning greeted me with a cold sweat. I wasn't greeted by a jailer, no, I woke up in my own bed. The chains were still wrapped around my skin at every possible crack and crevice. When I was moved out of my room I felt I had died a little inside. They took me in and did the unthinkable, what I had feared most.<br />
<br />
They buried a key deep within the lock that kept the chains fastened tight around my legs. I couldn't decipher it, was that fear or excitement I felt? Either way it beats the apathy I have felt for this place for far too long. The cold walls of my room, the ugly scenery and the routine of the chains. I came to realize as the chain fell to the ground. Sure, some of these chains made me happy, maybe even saved my life. But whether the chain holds you up or puts you down, a chain is just that: a chain. It will hold you down one way or another, through pleasure or pain. I think it is far past time to get these chains off me, my mind has been in slumber far too long.Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-13207864393137137622013-06-04T20:35:00.000-07:002014-09-06T22:10:32.454-07:00Dead Stars<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Greg was a very steady person. He found comfort in having a routine, a
schedule and to break away from it caused him some distress. Although
he didn't consider himself obsessive over his routine, he preferred
to not change it. The unknown made his palms sweat, his breath
shallow and tied his stomach in knots. The very idea of traveling,
changing jobs or meeting people made him nauseous.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Although
Greg considered himself as stable as his schedule he had always
suffered from anxiety and depression. When he was younger he would
tell himself things he didn't like or didn't want to do were boring.
Anything that wasn't fun to him wasn't even dignified as a
possibility, a true brat! He lived a life of only things that would entertain him,
make him happy or bring him pleasure. However he found, after a year
had past, that he found less pleasure in things, his appetite
diminished and the nights grew longer.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Greg
barely ate, slept, sometimes he felt he couldn't even breathe. His heart was either beating so fast he couldn't hear it
or it had stopped all together. This wasn't working, this fun life he was living. His
shadow was growing longer and when he looked at the stars he felt the
darkness of the night sky was consuming them. “Perhaps...” he
thought to himself, “living a fun life doesn't mean living a happy
one.” With this thought he decided to seek help and get rid of the
fun in his life. Entirely. </span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> As the
years went by he slowly became more and more afraid of fun. Fun was
too unpredictable, unstable, volatile. His routine was easy and safe. He worked, cleaned, cooked and ran
errands for himself to keep busy. It was simple and there were no
surprises with the right amount of planning. He convinced himself he
would live a bubble of contentment for the next few years, maybe even
the rest of his life.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> But
there are some things you cannot plan for, that you cannot control.
And while some people call this destiny or fate the reality is that
you have a lack of power over your environment. Even with this in mind Greg was shocked when
he got a call from the hospital. His sister, Alex, must
have also seen the stars being engulfed in shadow. When Greg saw
them he wanted to run and hide but to continue his life. Alex found
the darkness too hopeless, it overpowered her sanity and very will to
live.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Greg could live
without the stars but could he live without his sister? And even
then, could he allow the darkness into his memories, his mind again?
By the time he hung up the phone he already felt his body being
poisoned by his own shadow. He felt insane movements from his heart,
he felt sick and started gasping for air. It took all his willpower
to force himself to sleep that night.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Shortly
after that night he found himself walking down a cobblestone path lit
by dim lampposts. He couldn't remember how he got there but he
remembered he was on his way to see his sister. He wondered if the
hospital was even open this late at night. He checked the digital
watch on his wrist but the battery had died. Had he forgot to replace
the battery? Why didn't he plan for this? He decided to look up at
the sky to see if he could find a sign of what time it was in the
moon. The second his eyes focused onto it it shuddered and faded into
the sky with a puff of black smoke.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Now he
was starting to feel it, the darkness was coming. His palms were
sweating and his mouth went dry. Greg swore he felt someone glaring
at him and as he looked over his shoulder he saw a silhouette
standing just out of range of the lamppost. The body was too dark to
see, all Greg noticed was bright yet cold eyes of the character. They looked like orbs floating in the night surrounded by blue rims. Just as he looked into its eyes it took a step toward
him. Once it stepped into the light of the lamppost the bulb burst
and he could hear glass hit the stone. The silhouette didn't even
flinch and just continued to approach him.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> He
felt an aura of dread loom over him and before he had time to process
what was happening he turned around and ran. That glare had pieced his consciousness and hit his innate sense of fear. He ran faster than he
had ever run, he was running for his life. There were many lampposts
along the path and he could hear them shattering, and then exploding
behind him as he ran. At first it sounded like a glass cup breaking on a
tile floor but after a minutes (or had it been seconds?) it sounded
like artillery shells hitting the ground behind him. It was following
him, no it was chasing him and it was gaining speed!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> He saw
the hospital before him less than 100 yards away. He knew if he
turned to look at the figure it would catch him so instead he put all
his energy into sprinting toward the door. He felt that the presence of
others would help him defeat the shadow or perhaps the shadow
couldn't destroy the light of a whole building. As he reached for the
handle and burst down the door he nearly fainted when he saw the
silhouette towering above him.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> “This
is the end” he thought. He slumped to the ground and was ready to
accept his fate. “This is the end...” He repeated, “It's going
to take me!” He took this into consideration but rather than
weeping he frowned. Rage was swelling up inside him. Why should this
shadow take his life? It had already destroyed his happiness, nearly
killed his sister and took away the stars. Just as the shadow lunged
forward to strike Greg he noticed a fuse box on the wall. Channeling
his anger he reached for the fuse box and flipped the switches in an
instant. The lights came on slowly at first but then shot down like
bullets piercing the shadow's body.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> He
gasped and jolted forward in his bed smacking the back of his head on the bed
frame on the way back down. “A dream... It was... a dream?” he asked himself in shock. Maybe it was the bump on his head but he
felt it wasn't any mere dream. He thought to himself quietly for the
next few minutes. </span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Greg
soon realized this was indeed a dream but it taught him something very
important, something life changing. All the time he spent running
from the darkness had only fed it and made it stronger. In the dream,
the silhouette couldn't exist in the light so it destroyed the
lampposts to continue chasing him. Through pure instinct Greg
realized that light could defeat the silhouette. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> He
knew he couldn't simply point a light at his problems and watch them
vanish but he understood what the dream was trying to teach him. It
was trying to teach him two things. First, he couldn't just outrun
his problems whether it be by changing his life, disabling triggers
or physically running. Second, he had to fight the darkness not by
drudging through it but by actually attacking it.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Greg
knew exactly what he had to do and he wouldn't have to do it alone. A
week later his sister was discharged from the hospital. He packed his
things, quit his job, got his sister and flew off to New York. Maybe
this was irresponsible but sometimes your needs outweigh your
responsibilities. The darkness had taken fun from him and hope from
his sister but it could have very well taken their lives. The purpose
of the trip was to bring some joy to them and to help his sister
realize there is someone you can always look to, always talk to. </span>
</div>
<span style="line-height: 200%;">They
were terrified when they arrived in New York but when Greg looked up
at the sky he had never seen brighter stars. And when he looked at
Alex he had never seen a brighter smile. They had both become as
radiant as the stars fighting the darkness in the sky.</span>Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-64120855527641960142013-05-12T15:19:00.000-07:002014-09-06T22:15:39.719-07:00Desolate Earth<br />
<div align="CENTER" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<b>Desolate Earth: by Ian Macfarland</b></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
September 11<sup>th</sup>, 2537. Diary of Adam Walsh,</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Earth
has become a battleground of unnatural disaster. Studying history
makes me think we would have eventually killed off each other. Who
would have guessed our own planet would be the one to wipe us out?
It may come as a shock to some but to me it isn't surprising. On
this very planet that gave us life, in our own bodies we have white
blood cells. The main purpose of these cells is to wipe out
bacteria, infections, and parasites. Aren't we just parasites to the earth? We do nothing but take, infect, destroy and pollute this
world. Turns out killing everything without bias works even better
than penicillin.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
It's
a shame too. We claimed to have so much knowledge, that we had an advanced consciousness, basically saying we were "more alive" than other species and yet we couldn't
even save ourselves from self-destruction. We were arrogant and foolish.
Perhaps more than anything, however, we were ignorant. Ignorant of
our planets needs and blissfully unaware of its desperate cries for
help. Even now we still cling onto the earth for life.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
You
have to wonder, what were people thinking? History books boast about
these <i>mighty</i> governments and countries of all kinds that were
created to protect their people and their interests. Yet, in an
effort to appease their citizens requests for comfort, forgot their duty to
protect them. I guess at some point people decided they would be
either comfortable or die trying. Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm
not comfortable and I sure as hell ain't going to die anytime soon.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Signed,<br />
Adam</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
It
was the first sign of life I had seen in three months. I couldn't
help but stare at it for a bit and just drift off. Knowing someone
else was out there gave me hope although I couldn't help but assume the
worst. Comfort is one luxury we've lost but more importantly we have also lost the company of
others. Loneliness just isn't battle you can win here. Everyone is a
risk and a gamble. You might see someone down in the tunnels
occasionally but nothing more than a stare or a greeting is
exchanged, on a good day.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
One
thing Adam got wrong is that the governments of earth may have been
the one thing that saved our species. Two programs were launched once
the surface became unsustainable for life. Since the late days of the
common era human population was becoming larger than the earth could
support. While advances in farming, science and technology helped us
live this long it was the space program that really gave people hope.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"> The
space program was the first to start although I'm not sure if
it was a success. Scientists theorized earth would not be able to
support the population for long so it was decided to seek a habitable
planet elsewhere. To make this possible advances had to be made on
growing food, sustaining animal life and recycling water without
natural elements or </span><span style="line-height: 32px;">occurrences</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> found on the earth. With all of these
capabilities the first space shuttle holding around 25,000 was
launched in 2393. Many other space shuttles decided to follow suit
and abandon their own home in hopes of a better future. It is said in
our history books that each space shuttle flew different directions
for a higher chance of finding a suitable planet.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
The second program was an underground city – Subterra (meaning
below earth). It was theorized by scientists and meteorologists
that, with proper insulation and applied science, life would be
easier to sustain underground. This was because of the scorching
temperatures and horribly high humidity from the oceans evaporating
rapidly. Those who stayed on the planet either stayed behind out of
loyalty or perhaps they were poor and foolish, I haven't really
figured that out yet. I can't imagine anyone would throw their hat
into this mess.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
I
almost gasped as I shook myself out of the meditative trance I
was in. It felt like falling down in a dream only to wake up and jolt
your body forward. I decided I should scavenge the room for food or
other supplies. I turned around and all I remember was hearing a
'clang' sound and feeling blood run down my head into my eyes. I
hardly caught a glimpse of the person who assaulted me but I saw it
was a young woman. My vision was getting blurry and I was about to
pass out but I swear I heard her crying.</div>
Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685579551502329616.post-85346940552898245572013-05-08T18:49:00.000-07:002014-09-06T22:23:07.861-07:00Introduction.<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>The Introduction to an Introductory Post.</b></div>
Hello, Ian here! This post is really exactly what it seems like, an introduction. I just want to make a post to get started, introduce myself and lay out a few ideas for future reference. I'll briefly touch on my life, current projects and purpose of this blog. I wanted to write this introduction for both any future followers/fans and for myself to have something to look back to. Hopefully I can look back at this one day and remember what my purpose and state of mind was.<br />
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<b>Me, Myself and I!</b></div>
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So, what is unique about me? Well, lets start with the basics. I've just graduated from high school through an online program and I am enrolled at Pima Community college. Currently, I'm unemployed and have been searching for work just over 6 months. Like I said, simple but possibly interesting to some!<br />
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On to unique aspects of my life. While I don't consider or define myself as a depressed person I do suffer from some anxiety and depression. Around the time I was 15 I was isolating myself from the world while doing online school. At the time I didn't realize it but this was making me really depressed, killed my appetite and alienated a lot of my friends. I tried therapy and medication but really the only thing that helped was changing myself consciously. Of course I appreciate therapy and medications for giving me the confidence and courage to take those first steps. More than anything I am so indebted to my close friends and family who helped me through a hard time.<br />
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As I said, though, it was a big effort on my part, I started changing and questioning aspects of my life. I started putting down my controller and looking for different things to do. I decided to volunteer at an animal shelter nearby, the Humane Society of Southern Arizona. I've been volunteering there for about two years now and have met a lot of nice people! Volunteering really made me realize that there were always options, I didn't have to just sit at home and stew in depression.<br />
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This is just a condensed version of that period of my life as I don't really like writing or talking about it much. Who would? I'd much rather write about fun, interesting things! For example, I'm currently studying Japanese in my free time because I plan to become an English teacher in Japan. My first experience with Japanese, well, anything was anime. Anime was a stepping stone into research about Japanese culture. From there I started becoming enamored with everything from cooking to language. I've always liked to write so my plan is to either transfer, from Pima to the University of Arizona, into a teaching degree or perhaps become an author (if I have the skill and confidence) and then travel to Japan. No matter where life takes me, I definitely want to see Japan. No questions asked.<br />
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In addition to volunteering and studying Japanese I also have a couple of hobbies. I like to play video games in moderation unless in a social setting. How can gaming be social? Basically my friends and I will bring our computers over to the others house, set them up and game until we drop. If were only going to do this once in awhile I think its important to go all out! I also love cooking. As I mentioned I really like Japanese culture so I have made many of my own Japanese dishes like onigiri (rice balls),sushi, fried rice and some others. Finally, I also go to the gym 2-3 times a week for strength training. This doesn't really need an explanation but, yes, I lift.<br />
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<b>This Blog and My Current Project.</b></div>
This blog is highly adaptable and will probably change more than I can plan for. I really have no idea where I will be into even a year or two, what I'll want or who I'll become. In just the last two and a half years I've changed so much, my whole life and personality have evolved. Who's to say that won't happen again? As far as I can see right now I will be using this blog for my writing but the reason I call it "Unexplored" is because I don't quite know what lies ahead. Personally, I find this really exciting!<br />
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You already know what I do on a typical day but I have said very little about any content for this blog. The reason behind this is because I've only just gotten a few ideas in my head. Right now I'm starting on one story with another in mind. Nothing is set in stone or permanent but this is what I have so far, after a week!<br />
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The topic I'm working on is a Sci-fi story about the Earth becoming, basically, uninhabitable. 500 years in the future human "ingenuity" has violated the environment for so long it has left the planet a mostly lifeless husk. The surface is nothing more than a desert too hot for life to evolve or for humans to walk on without special equipment. I haven't really started on where I want it to go but I have some ideas for how humans remained on earth, how our species survived, and how things got so bad. I came up with this story thinking about how much we mistreat our planet with all the chemicals, pollution and garbage we produce. Sometimes it almost seems like we are parasites and the Earth is our host.<br />
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Another topic I was exploring but never started on was a psychological sci-fi story about a person being trapped on an island. All I know is that I wanted there to be little to no human contact, the person would be on their own and would undergo an evolution that turned him from a normal human into an almost primitive or animal being. Maybe this is inspired by my own life but it would be <i>much </i>more of a drastic transformation.<br />
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Anyways I think it should be fun to write even if they only turn out to be short stories. If I ever landed something that I thought was really amazing I would definitely make a career out of it! Cheers for now, I'll be around again shortly.<br />
<br />Ian Macfarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11367619657714436527noreply@blogger.com0