Saturday, May 3, 2014


Are you ever just sure you want to be alive? I know I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself; I just don't know if I want to live. Maybe I don't know how to. I mean, I have a lot to live for, I have a lot I want to do and I have a ton of people I care about. I feel anger at times, I feel sad some days, I feel happy and euphoric others. Yet, I can't shake this feeling, even though I want to.

Apathy must truly be the strongest feeling I'm capable of feeling. When I'm angry I can feel sad simultaneously or when I'm happy I can easily feel love for someone. Pain can blend with any of those emotions, oddly enough. But somehow apathy can devoid my heart and mind of anything else. It devours my personality, my mood, my emotions and it spits out a shell.

Even typing words into my computer today brings me no pleasure. I wouldn't call it writers block, I have the ability to write, I know what I want to put down. I just can't do more than a few sentences or paragraphs before losing interest or jumping into bed to recuperate.

Some people would probably be glad to feel nothing, they would be happy to get a break. But I can remember several extremely sad and depressing times in my life that were more fascinating and invigorating than this. I remember driving myself home after breaking up with my first girlfriend. I remember crying in the car for about 10 miles and I can think of that as a happy memory compared to today.

Maybe something needs to break, maybe I need to change myself again. In New York I had about 3-7 different personalities that I could use depending on my environment, the person I was talking to and the mood of the day. Today I feel that I've become one person, one sulking, depressing, complaining son of a bitch.

How I miss the failures, the dramas and stress of my old life. I've grown so much through those failures, I've developed so much through all the stress and anxiety. People look back at failures and regrets like they're a negative, are you kidding? They need to be celebrated and praised. Failures don't define you, maybe that's true, but they sure as hell change and mold you.

Think about it, whatever your failure is, it changes you in some way. If you drink too much and get a hangover you learn to control yourself. If you get into a bad relationship and decide you never want that again, it changes your preferences. If you spend too much money next time you'll change your habits. You could say this is only changing your methods but like it or not it is changing the way you think and act, it is creating you.

Perhaps, the label is the mistake. Maybe we shouldn't call it a failure, it isn't really a regret if you've learned from it. Although I feel I would take back some things if I could help it, perhaps it is better that I can't. Whoever I need to be tomorrow is something I've built since the day I was born. Through failure, success, death and life. I have grown, that's something I don't ever want to stop. If that means falling on my face every couple of steps, so be it.

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