Sunday, October 19, 2014

Alco-Satyriasis/Ego-Narcissism - A Tale of Self Loathing

So here we are, a month later. The world didn't collapse, that's amazing! I was so ready for gravity to reverse, for oxygen to dissipate, the ocean to evaporate. What happened? For all the claims I made it turns out they were nothing more than theories and perceptions.

Everyone thinks they have me figured out, that they know what I'll do next. I guess you haven't realized yet, who I am. Self loathing, uninspired, melodramatic? Call me what you want but you'll never see me for who I am. I'm an amazing person, I guess you missed that. Do you even understand, the ambition and depth behind the wall I put up? Its more than you'll ever know, you'd never keep up. Honestly I don't even know if I can keep up.

I'm on track to be an author in my early twenties. Half baked or otherwise it'll still be astounding. I've made dozens, maybe hundreds of friends and associates over the last year. And its not like you're that special, you're the second one to break my heart this year. I guess I fall fast. You should have held on when you had a chance because now I'm renewed and I'll find someone more deserving.

I should have told you not to underestimate me. You have no idea. The pain I've survived through the last five years. Yeah, I do have a small side of me with depressive/suicidal tendencies. But I've kept it in check all this time through lost family members, friends, love, jobs, school and two different states... Suffering in general. I've never given in, I won't start for you, I've given you too much already.

You were right, I am better off, But you aren't. I respect myself far too much to get back into contact with you anyways. 


Aren't you being a bit selfish? How are we better off apart, I've grown too attached. I don't care what happens to me anymore I just need to talk to you.

I overestimated myself this time. I thought I was strong enough alone but I've barely managed to keep myself alive these last few years. Everything is weighing me down, not just you. All the things I've done, all the people I've lost. I feel myself giving in, I'm on my knees.

What did I think I was without you? I tell myself I'm a writer, I'm a joke. I can write a shit character and a slightly engaging environment. Don't even get me started on my god awful plots. I surround myself with unfaithful friends, beggars and rejects. I put myself to sleep cashing in on my shallow relationships and a bottle of wine. Waking up on couches with people I don't care about or care to start. I should have put stock into our relationship, I should have begged you to stay. If I'm lucky I'll spend a few nights in the next year in a bed with a stranger who's name I'll be fortunate enough not to remember.

You understood, you supported the person I was meant to be. I was loving, responsible, ambitious and stable. I don't know how you knew me so well. How you dismantled all the barriers I placed so carefully to keep you out. The dreams I have are more than I could ever be, your success is more than I will ever feel.

Its been a month now, everything is crumbling in my hands. It feels like Earth has stopped spinning. I find it hard to breathe. Which breath will be my last? Surely by tomorrow I'll be drunk or high off something with someone I'll never know. Or if I do it won't be outside of the sheets of her bed. All of the things I said I was, its laughable. Dreams and stories, that's what I'm good at. Making shit up.